Northern Colorado Intimate Portraits | Lady L

As I got ready that morning for my first ambassador shoot, I felt a bit nervous, a bit excited. I curled my hair and did my make up….“damn, I look good.”

I got in my car and drove to the studio, then the other thoughts began to creep in…“I think I’ve gained weight since my last shoot” “I feel bloated; do I look bloated?” “Am I good enough?” “I feel like the wrinkles under my eyes are getting more pronounced.”

In that moment, I caught myself. I caught the old negative self talk sneaking it’s way in.  I tried my best not allow myself to dwell on those thoughts too long. I turned up my favorite 90’s playlist (the ultimate for shifting myself to a happier mood) and sang as I approached the studio.

Flash back to years ago… I never would’ve been able to do an intimate shoot. I was so consumed with negative self talk, poor self esteem, poor body image, and constantly trying to lose weight; it simply would’ve been out of the question to step in front of a camera. However something shifted in the last couple years. I got tired. Tired of letting society/media dictate the beauty standards. Tired of being subjected to unrealistic body images. Tired of spending hours in the mirror obsessing over my body. Tired of molding my body image and self worth to what “society” deems as appropriate, hot, worthy, etc. Honestly, fuck that. Fuck all that!

So as a radical act of self acceptance and love, I’m pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I am working on ways to not get stuck in the negative self talk. I also feel it can be challenging and seem so much easier said than done. It’s helped me to look at it more of a journey and overall practice. And with any practice, somedays are better than others.

I am very grateful to have recently been surrounded by incredibly strong and like-minded women. Collectively, I feel like the beauty standards are shifting…although there is still room for a lot of improvement. We are growing more empowered. More of us  are collectively demanding more diversity, realistic bodies in media and advertising, and more positive self talk with each other and ourselves. My body is not my cage. My body is my sacred vessel that allows me to physically express myself in the world, and I am tired of hiding.

And so here we are, back at the studio. Nicole is here greeting me with her usual upbeat and excited/creative energy. I breathe a sigh of relief as we walk into this magical studio set with dreamy props and soft lighting. I show her my outfits, and she is just as hyped on the vintage cheetah bodysuit I scored at a recent market. Nicole makes me feel as though I am right where I belong and with the right people. Sara, the other ambassador, is just as great, cheering me on during the shoot. This feels incredible. I feel incredible. We go through the shoot and I had a wonderful experience, yet again.

For me, as someone who spent most of my life trying to hide my body, it feels incredibly liberating (not gonna lie, also somewhat terrifying) to step in front of the camera. I spent far too many years hiding; covering my soft belly, avoiding shorts to hide my thighs…avoiding tank tops to hide my armpit fat. It’s time to give up the exhausting effort to hide. I want to take up space. I want us all to take up space. I want to be part of the effort to create safe space for all to come out of hiding and be exactly who they are.

Our body is no longer a cage.