Northern Colorado Intimate Portraits | My Journey Through Recovery
One of the things I love so much about what I do are the honest and gritty conversations I have with the women (and men) I work with. Being so open about my history with anorexia and self-injury, it’s not uncommon for many to share their experiences with me. And, as we approach the holidays, a season that can be tough for those suffering, those new in their journey to recovery, and even those of us years into healing, I figured, what better time than to share my own journey with you.
________
Let me start by stating that EDs aren’t just about wanting to be thin but the onslaught of unrealistic images we see daily definitely doesn’t help. (Especially when in recovery, when how you look is a heavy topic.) And self-injury and wanting to die do not go hand in hand; most self-harmers are not trying to commit suicide.
A little back story: Like many, my illness began when life threw me some curveballs I wasn’t ready for. I was 15 and had some big changes that left me feeling overwhelmed and like an afterthought. My way of coping was to show those around me that no matter how much their decisions hurt me, I was the one in control and could do it better.
I spent more than a decade starving myself, over-exercising, and cutting. And I have to thank my grandmother, my sister, and my mum, as well as some damn amazing teachers, for being pushy and not giving up on me even when my body began to shut down.
Most of my high school career, I was in and out of hospitals, losing weight, gaining weight, losing it again, an regaining it. Over and over. Because I was in a constant state of starvation, much of those years are a vague memory. Moments stand out as well as a few pearls of wisdom I was handed but didn’t absorb or appreciate until recently. I also remember a few very dark moments and the very scary stats I reached when I was at my most unhealthy; I probably won’t ever share those details with anyone, but I hold them close so as never to get to those spots again.
________
To help dive into this topic, I invited you all over on IG to ask me questions about my experience. I’ll answer them below:
Did you have a “wake up” moment? What was it?
There were a few times when I had big pushes to heal but nothing so big as finding out I was pregnant with Hayden. Before then, I had lost some great people because of my behavior. I remember being 20 and dating a guy, we lived together, and I had started bicycling too much. I would wake up super early and ride a trainer for a few hours each day before going to work. I’d come home and ride more. It was hard on him and he said he couldn’t stand by and watch me starve myself and cut. I regret putting him through that. But I also know that I wasn’t ready to heal yet; there
Did therapy play a role in recovery?
Yes and no. I mean, a HUGE part of my hospitalizations was therapy of all kinds: solo, group, art, nutrition classes. But I was also an ace at saying what they wanted to hear, gaining weight, getting out, and starting the cycle all over again.
The best “therapy” was reading books about girls in similar situations and books about society’s standards for women and how difficult it can be to navigate expectations and emotional upset. (I LOVE Margo Maine’s Body Wars and highly recommend it!)
I’d gone to therapists, of course, but, honestly, I don’t find value in talking to them about it as much as I found value in talking to those that could really relate to me about it. And that’s not to say therapy isn’t good. I believe we can all benefit from talking to a professional and that’s why I have gone on and off since I was 15. The insight they provide is often just the right catalyst for change or further introspection in a myriad of ways. And that is a HUGE part of growing and learning.
Do you ever worry about a relapse?
Hell yeah! EDs are a type of addiction and they’re unique in that, they’re an addiction in which we need to learn to moderate the substance (food and exercise) and not just omit the addiction. (I hope this makes sense.)
I’ve known a few folk that have had to recover from alcoholism and we compare EDs to that and there are some major similarities, the biggest two being that both are often a coping mechanism for emotional trauma and both have the risk of relapse during recovery.
I won’t lie, I’ve caught myself getting close to going down that rabbit hole of over-exercise and not enough food. But, I also know that I have an obligation to my kiddos to be healthy and teach them that balance is key. You can enjoy great food and exercise but it’s best in moderation. And you have to give yourself grace if you skip a workout or a meal or if you over-indulge. (Our bodies are pretty great at regulating and, if you listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs or doesn’t need.)
Do you weigh yourself now?
When I donate platelets and other blood products, I’m weighed simply because they need to know so they can calculate how much product they can take from me. At the doctor’s office, I refuse to step on a scale. And though we have a scale at home, I rarely step on it. I know now that my weight fluctuates by maybe 3 pounds during the month and I don’t mind. I also know that I get a little smaller during prime riding season and that winters mean less time to ride so I gain a bit (but I also get a lot more done those days.)
How old were you when you first did it? What did you feel immediately after a purge?
I never binged or purged; I was a restrictor and over-exercise kind of gal. My official diagnosis was Anorexia. I did, however, have a few bulimic patients in my room one of the last times I was hospitalized and that seems like a whole different beast.
I can share that, when I was most hungry, I felt dizzy and short of breath. I remember walking through the halls at school and having to hold the wall or railing to keep from falling; it was a miserable existence. And I’d get dizzy if I stood up too fast. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.
What methods did you use to reprogram your habits/thoughts to create a healthier life?
I don’t think it was ever one program or one piece of advice that I used to help me get into a better frame of mind. But there were bits of wisdom that stuck with me. One of those pearls was from when I was in outpatient therapy (I’d go to school until lunch then head into Boston for a half-day program for lunch and group therapy.) I can’t recall if it was a lesson or a notion we discussed or if it was a poster on the wall but the idea was that food is fuel for our bodies. I didn’t really put that into practice until I was in my early 20s but, on days I’m struggling now, I definitely remind myself that, if I don’t eat enough, I can’t be my best in anything, bicycling and parenting being the top things I need to be fueled for.
Speaking of bicycling, riding daily, or almost daily, has also been a great way for me to recalibrate. It’s strange because part of my history is with over-exercising, but I use it now to decompress and prevent that icky feeling that comes over me when I’m stressed.
Journaling has also been incredibly helpful. And, especially recently, sharing my story and opening that line of communication for those that have been in a similar spot or may be in their own journey to recovery. I say it all the time: I wish those that were around me when I was sick, the therapists and counselors and group home staff, I wish they had first-hand experience with EDs as opposed to just book knowledge because not every case is the same and most aren’t about vanity. EDs have a variety of causes and need to be treated with kindness and compassion and not just food police.
I honestly hope that by sharing my story and talking about recovery and how it’s an ongoing thing, conversations are started among those that need to talk about this stuff or it prompts people to seek help when they’re ready.